I Think, Therefore I am a Hot Mess
I’ve never had a lobotomy but...
Last week I had my world turned upside down. Nothing dramatic happened, I returned from the beach, did an interview, went to the gym, made dinner, watched fireworks…the usual. It wasn’t an event that happened, it was a revelation. I was made aware of that some people, maybe most people, don’t have an inner monologue.
An inner monologue is essentially a conversation between your awareness and your inner world, that often leaks into the real world, and becomes the lens through which you see the real world. I think of this as an essential component of being alive. Like, how does one walk around and not interact thoughtfully with the world around them?
“Look at the bee on that flower. It’s so cool how keep the world humming by pollinating the earth. They make sweet, delicious honey. Why can’t I give honey to a newborn? Should I have another kid? That was amazing watching my son lead his team to a lacrosse championship. The lacrosse all-star game is this weekend. Man, wasn’t that cool when Kobe shut down Lebron in the all-star game. I should watch the Michael Jordan documentary. What doc would I do on a sports figure? Larry Bird probably. He’s from Indiana. My niece is going to Indiana next week. I gotta post the pics of her wearing my hat. I wonder if Caesar ever wore a hat. What a cool looking bird. I love its orange color. Orange is my favorite color, it reminds me of dad. I miss him…”
And so it goes. Inner monologue. Relentless, tireless, sometimes helpful, sometimes agonizing.
How does anyone not have this?
I’ve never had a lobotomy but this is how I imagine it would be not having a voice inside my head, just an endless day of staring at walls and waiting for some outside stimulus to move me.
Or maybe like Memento, the Chris Nolan film from 2000, where the protagonist is tortured by his lack of short-term memory.
Not to say I never wanted my voice to shut up. Sometimes he’s encouraging and helpful, and others he runs me down pretty good and tries to keep me small. I wrestle with him all the time to be honest, and I wish there was an on-off switch, but I feel like I would just get dumb and not be fascinated by things. How boring this must be.
I’ve been meditating for twenty some years. The main thrust is to watch thoughts come and go and not become attached to them. To see thoughts as visitors, from nowhere and going nowhere. These thoughts, which don’t mean anything, are the main drivers of our lives, they create our patterns, our stories, our behaviors, our “self.” With this understanding, one conceivably should be able to navigate the world without being victim to all the things thoughts tell you.
How does one do this without an inner monologue? What do you do when you just sit there with no activity in your mind?
Turns out that people without an inner monologue are just as baffled by those that have one.
This woman sheds some light on the process – she says she never had an inner monologue before she became overwhelmed by stress, and then it became prominent until she stepped back from it.
Is the incessant yapping in my brain just simply stress and worry or is it a critical part of creativity and investigation?
My ultimate goal in life is to understand consciousness and answer the question: what is reality? Does it even exist? I know that different people experience life differently and the reasons for this are too many to list, but include upbringing and stories we learned when we were children that often never leave us. They subconsciously cause us to look at and interact with the world from that perspective. Changing that is not easy, and it’s not for everyone.
But how can I live on this earth for so long and still not understand that some people don’t have that inner voice? It raises more questions than it answers. Back to the drawing board.
Drop a comment if you don’t have this inner monologue. I’d love to hear your perspective.
Dan Fleuette is a photographer, author, and filmmaker best known for his body of work with Steve Bannon and WarRoom. His national best-seller Rebels, Rogues, and Outlaws: A Pictorial History of WarRoom can be found on doitfluet.com
No AI machines were harmed in this writeup.